In what might be the most ironic government initiative of 2024, the newly announced Department of Government efficiency (DOGE) has managed to embody everything it claims to fight: bureaucratic bloat, inefficient processes, and vulnerability to fraud.

Let’s examine this comedy of barking mad failures and weakness.

Two Heads, No Brain

First, we have the obvious troll decision to appoint two leaders to do the job of one. Because nothing says “efficiency” quite like duplicating decision-making at the top to sow chaos and confusion. Everyone sees this rube error, as evidenced by widespread ridicule. Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy – both allegedly busy executives with numerous other alleged commitments – somehow agree to jointly lead this ill-conceived self-harm crusade. It’s like hiring two CEOs to run a cost-cutting consultancy branded the redundant partners of redundancy.

*cough* Krebs Stamos Group *cough*

The World’s Worst Job Posting

But the real masterpiece of inefficiency, perhaps less obvious to most, is the announced hiring process full of security vulnerabilities that should be easily flooded due to its hugely inefficient system. DOGE claims to be seeking “super high-IQ small-government revolutionaries” willing to work 80+ hours per week for… wait for it… zero compensation. The application process? Just slide into their DMs on the “Swastika” platform with your CV. Yes, really.

Let’s count the ways the DOGE system already is hilariously weak and vulnerable:

1. Unqualified Applicants: When you offer zero pay for 80-hour weeks, guess who applies? People who either can’t actually take the job or have obfuscated (unknown) motives. It’s like posting “Free Ferrari” on Craigslist and expecting serious buyers to show up with boxes of cash. Come to think of it, that is in fact how Cybertruck fraud was setup to work. So many people killed by Tesla, so little accountability.
2. Fraud Paradise: Their vague qualifications (“super high-IQ” and “revolutionary spirit”) are impossible to verify. It’s a hidden loyalty test, natch. Anyone can claim to be a revolutionary genius in a DM. And with two high-profile “super low-IQ” executives (prove me wrong) saying they are committed to personally reviewing all these applications, there’s enormous incentive and opportunity for fraud.
3. Spam Heaven: Using X’s DM system for job applications is like making a vehicle that looks like dumpster and being surprised when raccoons try to move in. Any basic bot could flood the DOGE duplicative inboxes with millions of generated applications, each claiming to be the next Andrew Jackson of government efficiency.

The Ultimate Irony

The artificial cherry on top? The department tasked with finding government waste plans to have two extremely wealthy, busy executives manually review hundreds or thousands of applications together. Because nothing says “efficient use of resources” quite like having Elon Musk – who pretends to run multiple billion-dollar companies – spending his time reading stacks and stacks of CVs from imaginary unpaid volunteers.

A Numbers Game

Let’s do some quick math. If they receive a modest 10,000 applications (likely low given Musk’s ability to gather followers), the top 1% means 100 CVs to review. If they spend just 10 minutes per CV (being thorough efficiency experts, of course), that’s over 16 hours of combined executive time wasted – assuming they can even coordinate their schedules to do this together. And that’s a very low estimate, given how people can script a trivial bot to destroy this DOGE gambit.

The Real Waste

The true irony is that a hugely inefficient, fraud-prone process is supposedly the first step in making government more efficient. Up is down. Down is up. It’s like starting a diet by firing the kitchen staff and ordering twenty-seven of everything at McDonald’s “just to be sure.”

Conclusion

If DOGE were a private company’s efficiency consultancy, they’d fire themselves. But perhaps that’s the point – maybe this is actually a brilliant performance art piece demonstrating government inefficiency by example. If so, bravo! They’ve succeeded beyond a twelve-year old’s dreams. Next Elon Musk will prove how safe his Tesla design is by dousing himself with gasoline for self-immolation — burning himself to death like the constant tragic news stream about the predictable and unnecessary deaths of his unwitting followers.

For now, we can only watch as this inefficient department of “efficiency” demonstrates exactly how not to run anything let alone a government organization. At least they’re teaching us something, even if it’s by counter-example like walking through a junkyard with hundreds of burned out Tesla that never made it to 10,000 miles.

In the spirit of efficiency, I’d write more, but I need to go submit my application to DOGE. I’m thinking of calling myself “Revolutionary McRevolutionface, IQ 250, efficiency supremacist willing to work 88 hours per week.” Think they’ll notice?