Bruce posted a story a few days ago about a “retired veteran and candidate for Oklahoma State School Superintendent” who thinks books are a good way keep school kids from getting shot — by putting the books between the bullet and the kid, literally (pun intended).

The advocate for this plan did not seem to be saying that children should put their faith in school books and thus carry them around with them everywhere they go, as one suggestion was to have a special armor-plated book stored under every desk.

On that note, I can not help but take this one step further and post a recent story that bibles (two small ones, to be exact) also stop bullets:

A 54-year-old Orange Park man credits two small Bibles in his shirt pocket for saving his life when they stopped a bullet.

You know what that means? Schools should be regulated so noone can use any firearm/bullet that is able to penetrate two New Testament shirt-pocket sized bibles. No armor-piercing rounds would be allowed anymore at Wal-Mart, sorry. Ok, but seriously, how unlikely is it that someone aiming at a person carrying trash bags would hit a shirt-pocket sized bible? Would the trash bags have stopped the bullet? And the fact that it took two bibles to stop a bullet might actually suggest that bibles are in need of some improvement.

I probably should not joke about this as it seems the “bibles stop bullets” theory is seriously sought after (hey, the person paid $4!), probably to demonstrate proof of something greater than the physics of transferred energy.

No one seems to have documented how many people carrying bibles were hit by bullets, or even died, in spite of having one (or two) with them. Nevermind that, even the guy in the Oklahoma story describes the scientific method as “just two or three people who had been in the military…took to an open field near Minco to see if a text book could stop a bullet during a school shooting”. What more evidence or data do you need than a few friends from the military shooting stuff out in an open field?

Incidentally, if you read the list of answers to the person looking for “proof” you might notice that someone has provided a list of examples at the end that show things like breast implants, lighters, coins, cell phones, and a few other things also seem to do the job.

So, given the recently revealed harmful nature of breast implants, maybe they can be repurposed to schools. All students would get implants to protect against gunfire, and the breast implant industry could be saved from the financial disaster of releasing products to the public that turn out to be hazardous. Or course Mr. Crozier should probably setup another “scientific test” to verify what size implants would give people the best “fighting chance”. If he does not choose to believe in the implants, maybe he could adopt a pro-environmental approach and mandate children in school wear clothes covered in pockets filled with old phones. Keeps the landfills empty and keeps kids safe; who can argue with that?

Alas, it seems the possibilities for believing in personal safety are endless if you lower expectations far enough.