Medical Privacy Used to Only Matter Before Your Tesla Killed You in a Fire. Officials Say That’s Changing.
BAY AREA, CA — In a groundbreaking investigation following recent tragic events, law enforcement has begun retroactively testing all Cybertruck purchasers at their time of purchase. The angular low-quality steel body panels made this possible because, as officer Saucepants of Alameda police put it, “there has not yet been a Cybertruck purchased without significant loss of blood.”
Eleanor Musktinez, a consumer psychologist who definitely doesn’t exist, said “we’re not just going to scrutinize people when they abruptly die in a Cybertruck fire, as they all will. No, we need to know what substances they abused when they made the stupidest decision of their life to buy a Tesla”.
The world renowned expert from Austin, Texas added “We must know what substances could possibly influence someone to spend over $100,000 on a vehicle that appears to have been designed by a toddler who just discovered a ruler, and by that I mean totalitarianism.”
The investigation has sparked calls for mandatory 72-hour waiting periods and comprehensive drug screening with psychological evaluations before allowing anyone to purchase a vehicle that screams “South African apartheid vigilante truck”.
Vehicle safety experts are particularly concerned about the “completely normal and definitely sober” decision to make a vehicle out of leftover SpaceX materials subsidized by taxpayers that are so rigid emergency responders need “equipment from the middle ages” to extract passengers in the event of a crash.
“We’re seeing a disturbing pattern of media outlets focusing on private medical information of crash victims while ignoring the real elephant in the room,” noted fictional automotive journalist James Richardson. “Perhaps instead of posthumously violating medical privacy to detail how much pain was felt when being burned to death, we should ask why anyone thought it was a good idea to sell a vehicle that turns into a crematorium on wheels at the slightest provocation.”
[Note: While using satire to highlight serious issues, this piece aims to redirect attention back to vehicle safety concerns while criticizing the egregiously inappropriate medical privacy violations of the victims. If a victim operating the vehicle can’t open a Tesla door during sudden combustion, it’s a death trap, full stop. The true tragedy here is safety design flaws that deserve serious investigation into preventing similar incidents in the future.]