by Lazyboy (spoken word by Greg Giraldo)

You know we have more prescription drugs now.
Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad.
I can’t watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases.
Like: “Do you ever wake up tired in the morning?”
Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it.
Half the time I don’t even know what the commercial is…
People running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean.
I’m like “That is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that?”
That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.

[…]

Masterminds are another word that comes up all the time.
You keep hearing about these, these terrorists masterminds that get killed in the Middle East.
Terrorist masterminds.
Mastermind is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do, don’t you think?
They’re not masterminds.
“OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in backpack. Then you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?”
“Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can’t I just…”
“Who’s the f*cking mastermind here? Me or you?”