Yo, yo, yo, everyone, check this out:
Tesla made a Dumbtruck. Not a DumPtruck. A DUMB truck.
It looks like a robot tried to draw a car but could only move in straight lines ’cause adding curves would take advanced math. Someone’s toddler really opened up Microsoft Paint, drew three lines, and daddy said “my baby so perfect at drawing, ship it!”
Wait, did I assume there was a real child interaction? This is what happens when you let an artificial baby called Grok design a car using only ASCII art. ◢▢◣ “Perfect, ship it!”
Tesla’s drugged-up white supremacist hyperventilating CEO has been flying big fancy private jets full of his bodyguards around to talk up his “bulletproof this” and “apocalypse-ready that,” like he believes non-white people using public transit are brain-eating zombies. Then a pothole just… broke his vision for a comfy white-enclave nation-state called Mars Technocracy.
Like, a regular degular pothole.
That’s wild. That’s like if I paid a million dollars to ride in his submarine to the Titanic and on the way down it imploded killing me and my kids. Can you imagine that? You telling me a “future truck” just got taken out by something that’s been messing up cars since we stopped riding horses? Water turns out to be wet?
That’s embarrassingly dumb. Dumbtruck.
And the wildest part? Teenagers in the ’70s were making better cars than this. Like, actual teenagers fifty years ago could do better. While they were probably listening to disco and dealing with whatever wild fashion choices people were making back then, they still managed to not have their cars split in half from hitting a… pothole.
Any comparison to ’70s teenage engineers kills me because it’s true. Those kids built cars in their spare time with actual metal, actual curves, and actual durability, tripping over bell-bottoms and listening to Earth, Wind & Fire. Yet their cars still run and run, unlike this cyberorigami techbro experiment out here folding itself in half at the first touch of reality.
You really gotta wonder what Tesla tests against. Seems like they prepared for everything except… actual roads. That’s like waterproofing your umbrella but forgetting to make it openable.
You know what this means though? Potholes are officially more powerful than the best ideas from the Tesla cult’s supreme leader Elon Musk. Potholes just got a power-up in the game of life. They need to update their status:
“Just destroyed a $100,000 truck. Harder than a Rhodesian plan for Mars. 💪”
For real though – imagine spending supercar money on something “future-proof” that got defeated by the 1800s. That’s like buying a spaceship that makes it harder to get to space.
That’s like a steroid-addled puffed up body-builder losing a fight to a sidewalk crack. Tesla can’t talk trash about other cars when theirs are literal trash, like throw it away and get something else if you want to actually drive A to B.
How you gonna pull up to a Honda Civic or a Toyota Pickup when your Tesla just got bodied by some missing asphalt?
Japanese and German automobile manufacturing honed-under post-WWII American military occupation produced something low-cost to run 300,000 miles looking like it’s been through a war zone, because they literally were hard-won post-war outputs.
While a soft-palmed South African kid who tucked-tail to retreat scared from the fall of apartheid into America with bags of cash to take over Tesla… just lost a fight with a hole. Not even any special hole. His best anti-woke ideas can’t even handle a regular Tuesday pothole.
What’s next, you’re going to tell me the heater doesn’t work in a Canadian winter? Have to wear your outside clothing when you ride inside one?
Tesla Cybertruck Immediately Dies in Canadian Winter – Owner Bricks the Truck Trying to Use the Defroster
How’s that for cool? The Cybertruck is so anti-woke it can’t even wake up. Finally, a luxury vehicle that lets you experience the elements from the inside.
It’s like Tesla spent all their engineering points on “look very cyber” and forgot to allocate time for “basic car stuff.” Every other car company with engineers must be looking at this like “Y’all good over there? Need some notes on how cars work?”
Tesla’s robot saw a pothole and said “Time to transform… into two pieces that don’t work.” Tesla’s robot saw snow fall and said “Time to transform… into a block of ice.”
The price of South African anti-woke racist stock surely is going straight up on this news.