In a groundbreaking achievement for the automotive industry, Tesla has somehow managed to be even further from autonomous driving capabilities in 2025 than they were when they promised it by 2018. The company’s CEO, renowned for his unique approach to reality, previously suggested that anyone doubting their technology was basically a serial killer – a bold strategy for a company whose cars have developed a concerning habit of treating highway barriers like magnets.
After years of insisting their self-driving technology was “essentially solved” (narrator: it wasn’t), Tesla has made the stunning announcement that they’re starting over from scratch in Texas, where regulations are as sparse as trees in a parking lot. The move comes after California had the audacity to suggest that perhaps cars shouldn’t drive themselves into emergency vehicles quite so often.
“We’re looking for brave test drivers in Texas,” announced Tesla, in what definitely isn’t a repeat of that time Uber fled to Arizona for deregulation, killed someone, and shut down their entire program. But hey, at least Uber knew when to fold ’em – Tesla’s just reshuffling the deck and dealing from the bottom.
Tesla’s driver-assist feature appears due for improvements, and the automaker is seeking Texas drivers to help polish it. […] Job postings for vehicle operators in Houston and Austin indicate Tesla is looking for people to collect data on its “Autopilot” system, which was previously the center of a recall on 2 million Tesla vehicles and has a troubled history for its link to inattentive drivers and car crashes.
Now, Tesla appears to be boosting efforts to evaluate the feature by putting people behind the wheel. The job description notes that drivers will operate an engineering vehicle in a designated area. Drivers will then write daily reports detailing observations and issues, and the vehicles themselves will be equipped with tools for data collection.
Recruiting “vehicle operators” in Houston and Austin is Tesla corporate speak for “people willing to babysit our definitely-not-fully-autonomous cars while we figure out why they keep getting into arguments with stationary objects.” The job description notably includes “writing daily reports,” presumably starting with “Dear Diary, the car tried to merge with a concrete barrier again. On the bright side, it’s getting really consistent at finding them.”
The company’s innovative approach to missing deadlines and killing hundreds of people has set new standards in the industry, proving that while you can’t turn back time, you can certainly make promises about it that age like milk in a Texas summer as people literally die.
When reached for comment, a Tesla spokesperson insisted that full self-driving capability is just around the corner – though given their track record with corners, maybe take that with an airbag deployment of flaming hot salt.