The Onion presents a humorous look at law enforcement in Grand Theft Auto IV:

“The police just let them go, and 20 minutes later they’re shooting at the very same criminals from helicopters,” veteran crime reporter Mike Whiteley said. “That is not proper law enforcement. We may be seeing a return to the bad old days of 2002, when the police, the FIB, and even Army tank battalions would leave countless bodies on the streets while attempting to capture just one man on some sort of joyful mass-destruction spree.”

That sums up the whole game nicely.

Perhaps even more alarming, city records indicate that more than 75 percent of perpetrators in mass-murder or vehicular-manslaughter cases escape, usually by simple methods such as driving into a car-repainting facility. Criminals have even eluded pursuit by walking into their apartment and going to bed for six hours, after which the search has been called off.

However, one LCPD official, who wished to remain anonymous, blamed the recent crime wave on the police department’s lack of proper equipment.

“We are only equipped to pursue a suspect within a small radius on a very basic half-centimeter radar screen,” the officer said. “If we were allowed to seek criminals who escaped this radius for more than 15 seconds, our results would improve dramatically.”

Oh, it always comes down to a question of technology. Lack of proper equipment? If you have ever played the game, you might note that it can actually be hard to evade the police until you learn how to make their use of the limited radius. They could use their radius more effectively, but the game would become too hard. Likewise, the game’s engine seems to let the police get stuck whenever they drive into a park (they can’t seem to figure out how to drive out). But even those flaws in the search and arrest procedure is nothing compared to the lame legal system.

Many blame the LCPD directly for the increase in criminal activity, citing the department’s lax procedure for arresting criminals, which involves taking 10 percent of the suspect’s money, confiscating his weapons, and simply releasing him from custody later that day. Outraged citizens say this is not enough, especially in a city where assault rifles can be found on factory roofs and grenade caches are located under the globe at the old World’s Fair site.

Ha, ha, exactly. Get rid of the weapons and rehabilitate the offenders. But who would want to play in a world with real accountability?