Elon Musk Just Taught Us Everything We Need to Know About Government Fraud
There is some very TROUBLING news from the front lines of fiscal responsibility.
As you know, our dear hero Elon Musk recently stepped down from his heroic role at the Department of Government Efficiency, or as I call it Definitely Our Greatest Experiment (DOGE). And the liberal media is trying to make him look bad just because his department was dissolved eight months early, fell roughly $1.85 trillion short of its initial savings goal, and used what Politico has called “faulty math.”
That’s right. Faulty math. You know who else used faulty math? Tesla Door Handles. And owners turned out fine, apart from being trapped and burned to death.
The Lying Panda Principle
But here’s where Elon proves he’s playing 4D chess in a failed spaceship to reach Mars in 2018 where everyone died, while the rest of us are playing checkers—and the checkers are on Earth, and we’re still alive.
In a recent interview, Musk explained how to spot government fraud using what I’m calling The Lying Panda Principle™:
It’s going to be like the Save the Baby Pandas NGO… But then it turns out no pandas are being saved in this thing, it’s just corruption, essentially. And you’re like, ‘Well, can you send us a picture of the panda?’ They’re like, ‘No.’ OK. Well, how do we know it’s going to the pandas?
EXACTLY, Elon. If someone can’t prove their results, they’re obviously a fraud.
Which is why I’m SO RELIEVED that DOGE posted a “Wall of Receipts” on their website claiming $214 billion in savings. Sure, it “has not been independently verified.” Sure, outside analysis found the numbers were inflated, probably fraud. But that wall of lies is called “Receipts.” What more proof do you need than a word? It’s right there in the name!
And that brings us to the Panda-nomics.
See, the liberal media wants you to believe that when Elon promised $2 trillion in savings, (that’s a lot of pandas) then revised it to $1 trillion, (fewer pandas) then said actually $150 billion, (one panda, shared custody) that this represents some kind of “failure.”
But they’re missing the point.
Elon’s Panda Test asks: “Can you show me proof your program works?”
And DOGE answers: “We have a website” (a website is basically a digital panda).
The real fraud, people, is all those USAID programs with accurate accounting and transparency that were feeding children in Africa (163,500 projected additional deaths annually from DOGE cutting off aid to starving children— that’s a lot of gratitude we won’t have to deal with).
Those programs had the AUDACITY to keep detailed records, (documentation is for losers) track measurable outcomes, (nerds) and submit to independent audits (communism).
You know what that’s called?
SUSPICIOUS. If you have nothing to hide, then why are you keeping such good records?
Meanwhile, Elon shut down agencies, fired thousands of workers, (efficiency!) and when asked for verification of savings, provided… a wall (walls work, just ask the border).
The Real Victim Here
And let’s not forget, all you gamers out there, that Elon Musk described his time at DOGE as an “interesting side quest.”
A SIDE QUEST! This man is so efficient, he streamlined the entire federal government as a hobby. While the rest of us are playing the main story, Elon is collecting coins and participation medals for sticking a fork in the administrative state.
Speedrunning the tutorial. Declaring victory. Ragequitting.
Sure, he left in May, had a public falling out with Trump, accused him of being in the Epstein files, and then showed up at a Saudi dinner in November. (that’s called blood networking) But that’s just the kind of bold, erratic leadership this country needs.
Discussing his decision to step down from DOGE, Elon Musk had earlier remarked, “Is Buddha needed for Buddhism?”
Eats, Shoots and Leaves
So the next time someone asks you, “Where’s the proof that DOGE actually saved money?” you look them dead in the eye and say:
“Where’s your panda?”
And when they say, “That doesn’t make any sense, you’re the one who should have the panda, you’re the one who made the claims—”
You just walk away and say “see you in my driverless car on Mars in 2018 that runs on the bones of dead liberals“.
Because fellow Americans, in the end, Elon Musk re-taught us the most important Enron lesson of all:
Fraud is when other people can’t prove their claims. Success is when you don’t have to.
No panda.
And that’s DOGE… and Tesla, and Hyperloop, and Neuralink, and The Boring Company, and X, and XAI, and SpaceX, and Starlink…
Can someone show me a picture of the Hyperloop?
Twelve years since Musk first proposed the concept, and despite millions of dollars being invested in marketing and development by the various companies that have worked on the technology, the idea of hyperloop as a transportation option is still largely theoretical. In fact, many commentators remain deeply skeptical about it. “Hyperloop is unworkable,” says rail expert and author Christian Wolmar.
Oh, the efficiency!
Conditions may apply. No actual pandas were consulted. DOGE claimed savings are for entertainment purposes only.