When I went to the Family Museum I half expected to see a history of the family, or perhaps even some discussion of what a family means to different groups of people. Instead I found rooms full of toys and other technology.

The museum seems to be something akin to a high-tech exhibit for manufacturers to represent their products to future generations and inspire consumerism, or competition — CES for toddlers. The kevlar showcase is one good example. Perhaps I should have taken their motto more to heart than their name: “Play and learn together”.

Back to the family, is it defined as a group that plays and learns together? Surely not. Page 15 of the museum guide sets this issue to rest:

$85 entitles two adults and their children under age 18 who reside in the same household to all basic member benefits.

Aha! I’m amused by the need to specify “reside in same household”. For how long? Does a weekend count as residing? A week? Month? I admire the fact that they do not specifiy “man and woman” although I also noted that two adults does not mean one parent and a baby-sitter.

Your babysitter may be added to your membership for a fee of $10

Pets are $2 per leg. Just kidding.

Brothers and sisters of the parents? Not allowed as family.

Grandparents? Considered family, but they need to get their own special pass.

$50 entitles two adults residing in the same household and all grandchildren under the age of 18 to all basic member benefits.

Ok, so enough of the identity information. How does one go about verifying the difference between family and a grandparent? Let’s say my father comes to visit and I give him my family membership card to take my daughter to the museum. Are they going to toss them out for not being a family, or charge my father a $50 membership fee or a $10 babysitter membership fee? How will they know my father is not me, especially if we have the same name? And let’s say that my brother wants to take my son to the museum, so he borrows my father’s membership card. Are they going to toss them out for not being a family, or charge him a $10 babysitter membership fee? What happens if you change babysitters frequently? Is it $10 per, or can you get a generic babysitter pass? Here’s a good one, try applying for a card with just a first initial and last name.

The truth is that the person checking the cards is empowered to make an executive decision and if they decide to stamp your hand with a little blue-ink symbol, you’ve been recognized as some relation to a family, regardless of what the revenue guidelines state.

Alas, once I had left an arm and a leg with the guards, I wandered around trying to look like someone with a family. Eventually I found some poetry, tucked away among the toys and technology, which made me pause to think:

Very subtle. Money blowing in the wind. Consumers bowing down. I get it…

Overall, the museum seems like a good idea that is popular among children and their parents. I mean who doesn’t like grabbing and feeling bits of technology that tens of thousands of other children and parents have been grabbing and feeling? And howabout that kevlar? And the ethanol/biodiesel placard was interesting, although it was more geared towards touting the benefits of growing corn than any reference to the security implications of domestic energy and efficiency (alas, they also seemed to be lacking any insulation in the building and the lamps were all high-burn halogens). Schools apparently are not the best place for families to play and learn together, and so it makes sense that private enterprise would spring up to fill in the gaps. They even have classes and learning groups and they share space with the public library. But is it really necessary to break down the family into billable units?