Category Archives: Poetry

Poetry, Security

There’s no substitup! For quality!

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i'm a bananaDon Hertzfeldt

Funny guy, that Don Hertzfeldt. Bitter, but funny.

He, like many of us, has been seeking the inner poetry in spam:

tonight i realized its been two years since i last wrote you poetry entirely cut and pasted from spam texts. apologies

slot machines uncovered
get rid of the pounds you hate
Made from an African cactus
never scrub your toilet bowl again.

Choosing the right corporate structure
Free today only, hurry!
Photoshop, Windows, Office.
my peenis is able to move without interruption

Sensationall revoolution in medicine!
Full of health? Then don’t click,
We cure any disease
Easy-to-clean pump container

Get paid to spend time with your kids
The pictures of Avery have been updated.
Shocking top secret wealth building program!
No anguish, just adoration.

Better success, wool moth
Let’s face it, you’ve always wanted it.
Bahama cruise voucher winner!
make your fat friends envy you

Do you want a w-atch?
Become a law enforcement professional.
What’s on your coffee wish list?
cursed by God,with a bucket and the milk can

Poetry

Drinking Alone With the Moon

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by Li Bai (701-762)

My pot of wine among some flowers
I drank alone. No one to join me —
And then, raising my cup, I asked the bright moon
To bring my shadow and together make us three.

Alas, the moon was unable to drink
And my shadow haunted me emptily;
But still for a while I had these friends
To cheer me through the end of spring.

When I sang, the moon encouraged me.
As I danced, my shadow tumbled after.
And so before long, we were fine companions.
Then I was drunk, and we lost one another.

Should such goodwill ever be secure?
Perhaps we will meet again someday
along the River of Stars.

This is my rough translation. Another (probably far more accurate) version can be found here.

Edited to add (9/13/06): And here is another version; the best I’ve read so far:

In the middle of the flowering grove, one jug of beer.
Drinking alone – no friends or family near –
I raise my cup, invite the moon to join me.
Counting my shadow, we’re a party of three.

But moon’s a lightweight, doesn’t know how to drink,
And shadow simply matches me cup for cup.
For now, though, they’ll do just fine, I think.
Spring is here, my friends! Let’s live it up.

I start to sing; the moon sways to and fro.
I get up and dance – shadow reels in disarray.
Sober, we crave the company of some jolly fellow;
Drunk, each goes his separate way.

Freed of all ties, yet bound forever more,
Let’s get back together on the galaxy’s far shore.

Poetry, Security

Underwear Goes Inside the Pants

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by Lazyboy (spoken word by Greg Giraldo)

You know we have more prescription drugs now.
Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad.
I can’t watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases.
Like: “Do you ever wake up tired in the morning?”
Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have it.
Half the time I don’t even know what the commercial is…
People running in fields or flying kites or swimming in the ocean.
I’m like “That is the greatest disease ever. How do you get that?”
That disease comes with a hot chick and a puppy.

[…]

Masterminds are another word that comes up all the time.
You keep hearing about these, these terrorists masterminds that get killed in the Middle East.
Terrorist masterminds.
Mastermind is sort of a lofty way to describe what these guys do, don’t you think?
They’re not masterminds.
“OK, you take bomb, right? And you put in backpack. Then you get on bus and you blow yourself up. Alright?”
“Why do I have to blow myself up? Why can’t I just…”
“Who’s the f*cking mastermind here? Me or you?”